Gee, I love riding my bike.

[Thursday morning. In the gym.]

Kelsey (fitness trainer): “Jillian, are you participating in Bike to Work Day tomorrow?”

Jillian: “Uhhh… NO. I haven’t ridden my bike in months.”

Kelsey: “That’s no excuse! You should start again.”

Jillian: “My bike probably has flat tires.”

Kelsey: “Borrow a bike from the gym. You know you can rent them out for free.”

Jillian: “Yeah… but I only live like a mile from work. That will barely count as riding to work.”

Kelsey: “But it still counts.”

Jillian: “Uh huh, right… but…”

Kelsey: “If you participate in Bike to Work Day, you’ll get free breakfast.”

Jillian: “Count me in! And sign up my boyfriend, too.”

[Thursday afternoon. Email.]

Jillian: “I signed us up for Bike to Work Day on Friday. Hope that’s ok. I figured you bike anyway, and I can just bike from your house with you, AND we get free breakfast for participating! Win win, right?”

Bryan: “Yes, that’s great! Let’s roll down there together!”

Jillian: “Cool. Will you make sure my bike is still ride-able? I’ll meet you at your house tomorrow morning and we can ride together.”

Bryan: “Yep, I’ll work on it tonight. See you in the morning.”

[Friday morning. Phone call.]

Jillian: “Hello?”

Sleepy Bryan: “What time are you coming over?”

Jillian: “I dunno. Breakfast is at 8:30, so I guess 8:15?”

Bryan: “The mayor’s speaking at 7:55.”

Jillian: “What?”

Bryan: “The mayor. He’s speaking at 7:55.”

Jillian: “At work?”

Bryan: “What?”

Jillian: “What?”

Bryan: “THE MAYOR. IS SPEAKING. AT 7:55.”

Jillian: “I KNOW THAT. But I don’t know what that means. He’s at our office?”

Bryan: “Poor, poor Jillian. Do you even know what Bike to Work day is?”

Jillian: “Yes. We ride bikes. To work. And get breakfast. For free.”

Bryan: “No, it’s a big thing where people meet at the Indy Bike Hub downtown before work. The mayor is speaking there.”

Jillian: “Kelsey didn’t say anything about the Bike Hub. All she said was I would get free breakfast.”

Bryan: “Well, the point of Bike to Work day is to meet at the Bike Hub. The mayor’s speaking at 7:55.”

Jillian: “Yes, I’ve gathered that the mayor will be speaking. What time is it now?”

Bryan: “7:15.”

Jillian: “HA! There is no way, ABSOLUTELY NO WAY, I will be at the Bike Hub by then. So, go without me. I’m getting breakfast.”

Bryan: “(Sigh.) Just get ready and come over here.”

Jillian: “Grumble.”

[Walking into Bryan’s house. 8:00AM]

Bryan: “You’re going to ride a bike in a dress?”

Jillian: “Ok, Condescending Bryan. Good morning to you, too.”

Bryan: “What? I’m just making a comment on your dress. It looks nice.Β ”

Jillian: “Shut up.” Maturely stomps into the bathroom, pouting. “So, are you ready yet?”

Bryan: “I’ve been waiting for you. The mayor spoke at 7:55.”

Jillian: “Yeah, I’ve heard.”

Bryan: “Well, get your bike! Let’s go. Are you going to carry that purse?”

Jillian: (Exasperated sigh.) “Yes. I’m going to carry it.”

Bryan: “Give it to me.” Puts purse in pannier bag on bike.

We walk out the door and down the front steps. Bryan hops on his bike and starts riding around the road. I panic.

Jillian: “I don’t know how to get on!”

Bryan: “What?”

Jillian: “I forgot how to get on my bike!”

Bryan: “Put your leg over and sit down.”

I kick my right leg awkwardly.

Bryan: “Here. Pull the bike next to you on the curb. Now, step over with your right leg. Right. Now, shift your weight, sit down… there you go!”

I pout and start pedaling.

Jillian: “WHAT SIDE OF THE ROAD ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE RIDING ON?!”

Bryan: “Just follow me.”

Jillian: “WE’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY! THIS IS A ONE-WAY!”

Bryan: “Calm down!”

Jillian: “IS THIS ILLEGAL?!”

Bryan: “Yes. Calm down.”

Jillian: “Is this a hill? A HILL?! I’m going to fall. I’m going to die. WHY AM I WEARING A DRESS?! Can you see my butt? AM I FLASHING THE ENTIRE CITY RIGHT NOW?!”

[Arriving at the Bike Hub.]

Jillian: “Where are we going? Are we here? How do I stop? HOW DO I STOP?!”

Bryan: “Brake and step off.”

Jillian: “I can’t step over. I CAN’T KEEP MY BALANCE! Why did I wear a dress?!”

I make it off the bike.Β Bryan leans his bike against a wall and walks away.

Jillian: “What do I do with my bike? Can I put it by yours? Can I lean it against yours? You didn’t lock it. Are you going to lock it? DO YOU HAVE MY PURSE? ARE YOU GOING TO LOCK THESE UP?!”

Random Stranger: “Oh, great of you to participate in Bike to Work day. Having a good morning?”

Jillian: (Sanity returns.) “Oh yes! Delightful morning, thank you. A true treat.”

[Leaving the Bike Hub.]

Jillian: “I CAN’T REMEMBER HOW TO GET BACK ON!”

Bryan: “(Sigh.) You just did this like 30 minutes ago.”

Jillian: “I was on a curb then. Now the ground is flat.”

Bryan: (Pointing to my right bike pedal.) “Move this one to the front and –”

Jillian: “Move what to the front of what?! Move what where?”

Bryan: “Move the pedal to the front –”

Jillian: “To the front of WHAT? YOU’RE NOT BEING CLEAR! Use WORDS! Bryan, you never describe what you’re talking about, and I NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!”

Bryan: (Gritting his teeth.) “Listen. You need to calm down. Stop yelling.”

Jillian: “CALM DOWN?! Listen mister. YOU’RE the one who needs CALMING DOWN –”

Bryan: “Just get on your bike. Let’s get to work.”

I get on my bike.

Jillian: “…why are you mad at me?”

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One thought on “Gee, I love riding my bike.

  1. Holy crap, Jillian. This was the funniest thing I’ve read all week! I love that I can totally picture it ALL.

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