Tunnel

Can I be honest for a minute? I have been down in the dumps for a few days now. Blame it on this week’s full moon, or the winter blues, or a bad attitude, or whatever. I’m a positive person. I always look on the sunny side. But as hard as I try, I just haven’t been able to shake this mood yet.

I’m lonely. I’ve lived in Indianapolis for nearly five years–I can’t believe it’s been five years!–and I’ve made a bunch of friends. But Indy isn’t necessarily a city for transplants. Nearly all of my Indy friends grew up here or went to school here. When they met me, they already had a network of friends they’d known for years. They’ve been kind enough to let me into their groups and their lives (I’m so thankful!) but I never quite feel like I fit. I don’t know the people they’re talking about; I wasn’t present for all of their memories.

I have lots of friends, and I can even name a few best friends, but I doubt that they would call me their best friend. No, that title is reserved for their high school best friend, or their college best friend, or some other friend. Not for me.

What is this phrase, best friend? Why does it even matter to me?

It’s during moods like this that I start to doubt myself. Maybe I’m not cool enough. Not fun enough. Not pretty enough. Maybe I’m boring. I try too hard. Maybe I’m too uptight. If I could just let loose a little more. My confidence wanes, and if unchecked, I start to doubt I have any value at all.

I’m probably being too vulnerable. And I don’t want to make any of my friends feel they’re not valuable to me. (You are!) I guess I just want you to know that I’m a real person, that my life isn’t all butterflies and kittens and makeup. (Luckily, sometimes it feels that way, on an especially good day!)

Don’t read this wrong. This isn’t a cry for help. I know I’ll be ok. I guess I’m just sharing because I believe that, even in these dark times, there is so much power in being authentic. There’s something about bringing what’s dark into the light that takes away its strength. Give something a name and it seems less scary. Share your struggles, and you’ll find a whole community of people willing to struggle alongside you. I’m sharing this for future you–or maybe present you–who is feeling the same way. Tomorrow is a bright, new day.

I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Any minute now, I’ll snap out of this and recognize my happy self again. I am fun. I am valuable. I do have things to offer. I know it, I know it, I know it.

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