Ok, ladies and gents. It’s that time again.
What time? you wonder. Time to stand up for feminist beliefs? Time for rational thinking? Time to talk about true love?
NO, I say to you! Rather the opposite. It’s time for a dazzling and dramatic new season of The Bachelor!
Truth be told, I haven’t watched The Bachelor since Jillian was a contestant which, according to a quick Google search, was back in 2009. I don’t really care about the show. In fact, I’m pretty sure it stands in direct opposition to many of my core ethical beliefs as a woman.
But WHATEVS, LOL! When my coworkers put a call out to the agency seeking participants in a Bachelor draft? Well, I just couldn’t resist taking part in that.
The draft is similar to what you might have experienced in a sportsball fantasy draft. Participants gather in a room and, one at a time, choose seven contestants for their rosters. After each episode, points are awarded in a variety of categories, including:
- First Rose of the Ceremony (1 point)
- First Impression Rose (10 points)
- First Helicopter Ride (10 points)
- Winner (a whopping 40 points)
Points are also awarded for a number of, dare I say, much more entertaining categories, like:
- Gratuitous Nakedness not Necessitated by Date Activity (3 points)
- Warning the Bachelor that Someone Else is “Here for the Wrong Reasons” (4 points)
- Has a Surprise Child (8 points)
- Says “I Hate Drama” or a Similar Phrase Indicating She Loves Drama (4 points)
Whichever participant has the most points at the end of the season is the winner.
Thus, when drafting, my strategy was to select a curated combination of potential winners and bat-shit-crazies. We have already held our draft, having made our selections based solely on the contestants’ looks (duh) and bios. And let me tell you, I’m feeling confident in my selections. After all, the bachelor is from Warsaw, Indiana – the very same home town in which my husband was born and raised. If I know how to attract a cornfed Warsaw boy, surely I can deduce Ben’s future partner, too, right?
With that background, allow me to introduce to you my roster of Bachelor contestants:
Jillian’s Roster of Bachelor Contestants
The Real Contenders:
LB – My #1 draft pick and the toast of our draft. The ladies and gents of The Buntin Group are heading into this season loving LB! She’s a fashion buyer who would choose to be a dolphin over any other animal, so she’s an obvious shoe-in for Mrs. Ben Something. (What’s his hame? I seriously don’t know.)
Emily & Haley – Twins, vying for the same man’s heart. Blonde, beautiful twins. GIVE ME A BREAK. Emily’s most embarassing moment is something that happened when she was a high school cheerleader, which barely counts, and Haley is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader semi-finalist and self-proclaimed candy addict. These girls are sugary sweet bombshells who are great for TV ratings – and thus, they’ll go far. Plus, I get bonus points each time the twins get mistaken for one another so CHA-CHING!
Becca – The denim-shorts-wearing girl next door who some are already speculating is the next Bachelorette. Becca’s biggest date fear is clogging the toilet, so that’s really something. Oh also, she’s a virgin.
The Drama Queens:
Breanne – The Divorcee. She’s 30 (suspiciously old for a Bachelor contestant), she’s been divorced twice, and she responded thusly when asked the title of her favorite book: “[My favorite book is] Why Men Love Bitches. It’s all about valuing yourself and letting the man pursue you.” That’s a warning sign if I’ve ever heard one!
Mandi – She describes herself as having “legs for days.” She also busts out the gate saying she has “a tendency to drink too much” and she’s independent and opinionated. Plus, she’s most afraid of “falling in love and having my heart broken” which seems like crazy foreshadowing to me.
Maegan – (Who I’m hoping pronounces her name “Mee-gan,” but probably just says it with an exaggerated “May-gan.”) Maegan is a 30-year-old cowgirl who cites Old School as her favorite movie. She has a mini-horse. She chops heads off of snakes she finds on her property. And she says her dating philosophy is to “just put it all out there early on and let them decide if they can handle it.” Yes, put it all out there, Meeeeee-gan. Put it allll out there.
Stay tuned, dear friends. This is sure to be THE MOST DRAMATIC SEASON EVER.