The Bachelor: Back to School

Welcome back! It’s night two of The Bachelor, and the show opens with our first real glimpse at Ben’s six pack abs. Or… not six pack? Who am I to judge?

The First (Group) Date

Across town, the ladies are lounging around in the living room of the mansion – wait. Do mansions have living rooms? Let’s call it a sitting room. That seems way classier. And this is for realz a classy show.

So, the ladies are lounging in the sitting room, and to everyone’s true shock, the very first date card arrives. LET THE GAMES BEGIN. It’s a group date, and Ben has invited Jubilee, Jennifer, Jojo… so many girls… literally, like, most of the girls, on this date with him.

Giggling and chattering, the ladies take their crop-top-wearing selves off to the date, which is at a high school. Which is kind of weird when you’re in your mid-20’s? But nobody seems to notice.

We see right away that Mandi, despite the fact that she’s a wacko, has a killer bod. So toned and fit. Good for you, y’old nut.

Also, is Ben sunburned already? How long has he been in L.A.? Like 12 hours?

We learn that, on this date, the girls have to participate in a series of high school-themed competitions, including a chemistry class with a weirdly sexual erupting volcano and some other over-sexualized game of bobbing for apples, which is not a class I took in high school, but whatever. This truly seems like the worst date ever.

Lace tells us that she hated school and “wasn’t really good at it at all.” Ben offends all Warsaw Community High School teachers by saying that none of them were as attractive as these bachelorettes. Or, on second thought, maybe that’s a good thing.

At one point, the girls have to place the state of Indiana on a map and FOR REAL THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE IT GOES? Now they’re playing basketball because that’s all anyone from Indiana does at any given time.

In the end, Mandi wins the whole thing and is crowned Homecoming Queen and gets to wear Ben’s WCHS letter jacket. Which he just happened to bring with him. To L.A. Because this is all totally normal. Mandi and Ben sit in the back of a convertible, as homecoming kings and queens do, and they LITERALLY JUST DRIVE IN CIRCLES around the high school track while the other 50 girls on the date get dizzy watching them turn around and around.

Ben thinks his wife “could be in this group” which is the second time he’s had that thought in as many episodes.

Back in the mansion’s sitting room, and the second date card arrives. Oooh, this time it’s a one-on-one date! Olivia’s mouth is open so wide, I can’t even communicate how terrifying it makes her face look. Someone needs to tell her to stop that immediately OR ELSE.

The date card goes to… Caila! Perhaps Ben wants some quality time to swap software sales tips? In the corner, Olivia looks like she might puke out of her gaping, open mouth.

Flash back to the high school date crew, who have all changed and are now lounging on a rooftop somewhere, and it’s suddenly nighttime. Everyone’s vying for one-on-one time and Ben is kissing all of them and it makes me feel dirty just watching it. Lace gets time alone with Ben and the first thing she does is say, “I’m not crazy,” which is exactly what you say when you are crazy.

Then, she wanders off to the camera and starts talking about how lovely it was that she and Ben were “gripping” each other’s hands, which also seems like something you’d do when you are crazy.

Meanwhile, Ben continues to kiss everyone except Lace, and just as we’re FINALLY getting to see my girl LB get some screen time (hey girl!) LACE comes back proclaiming crazily, “I’m not crazy, I just need one more minute.”

Lace, how am I supposed to win this Bachelor fantasy league if you keep stealing camera time from my bachelorettes? You are the worst. Also, why didn’t I draft you because you are getting everyone else major points and so far I have only 15 spread over two episodes.

Ben assures Lace she’s not crazy (even though he knows she is) and then he takes Jojo up to the roof where she’s “never been this high in her life” which sounds hilarious out of context.

Ben continues to kiss all of the girls (except Lace) even though he said at the beginning of the season that he wasn’t going to. What’s the deal? Bryan, my dear husband with whom I’m watching the show, tells me that kissing all the hot girls is a Warsaw thing, and now I’m nervous and mad.

Ben taunts Jubilee and Jojo, saying that one of them is going to get the rose (we all know it’s Jojo) and he gives it to Jojo and Jubilee looks like she’s about to fight someone.

The First (One-On-One) Date

Again, we return to the mansion. It’s a new day, and Ben arrives to pick up Caila. He also brings two friends with him in a star-studded publicity stunt – Ice Cube and Kevin Hart! Caila is nervous, but I am jealous, because I know if I was in that situation I would have an opportunity to show Cube and Kevin (oh, and Ben, I guess) how hilarious I am, and my career as a celebrity would really take off!

The four of them are going to drive around town in a car for their date, which is remarkably like most of the dates I went on when I was in high school.

“Wowwwww, these dates are extravagantttt,” nasals one of the twins, who apparently has never seen an episode of The Bachelor before, as she waves goodbye to Caila.

Caila, Cube, Kevin and Ben drive around for a long time, buying flowers from a street vendor, hot tubbing in a spa store (How hot is that water? Ben and Caila are red and sweating and I hope there’s a nurse monitoring them off camera because this does not seem safe), and finally, stopping for dinner. Ice Cube and Kevin Hart leave, and the happy couple is left on their own with plates full of delicious-looking food.

Ben asks Caila why she decided to come on the show, and she tells him that she’s “had some bad relationships,” but what she fails to mention is that she fell in love with Ben the second she saw him exit the limo when he was on The Bachelorette. So, #1 she is a liar, but #2 that’s a smart play because it’s probably too soon to share that candid detail with him.

They talk more but I have literally zoned it out because they haven’t eaten their food at all and it looks delicious. Eat your food! It’s just sitting there, looking yummy and WHAT? They’re getting up and walking away without eating? What is wrong with these people?

Now, famished and dangerously low on energy because they are malnourished, Ben and Caila walk into a theater where they are treated to a private concert. They immediately start slow dancing, and thus begins the most awkward scene in any season of The Bachelor/ette. Ben proclaims that this is his favorite song “like, ever” and NOW HE’S SINGING TO HER AND I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.

The Second (Group) Date

So, let’s cut to the third date, which is another group date that just so many girls are on. Like the high school date, this starts out terribly when the girls have to run on treadmills and sweat so BEN CAN SMELL THEM WHILE WEARING A BLINDFOLD.

This is horrifying. He is literally smelling them.

In what is surely the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to Samantha (on national tv, no less) Ben says she smells sour. “Like Chinese food?” That is terrible and, if I were her, I would drop out on the spot.

Amanda, having cooled off and grabbed alone time with Ben, tells him about her two daughters, and he shouts “hell naw” and runs out of the room.

Just kidding, he seems super pumped to be a 26-year-old stepdad. But excuse me, what are her daughters’ names? Kinzlee and Jarleigh? Those are not names. Oh, Charlie. Well, that one’s real.

Some more things happen, and they do some sort of infrared heat mapping compatibility test that seems totally legit, and Olivia and Ben have the most chemistry so he gives her a rose even though we know she’s there for the wrong reasons.

Let’s just skip forward to the night of the Rose Ceremony, shall we?

The Night of the Rose Ceremony

Olivia commits a cardinal sin by pulling Ben away from another girl – even though she already has a rose – and Lace gets pissed and confronts her. “You already have a rose and you’re taking time away from other girls who don’t.”

“I know, it must be really hard for you,” Olivia patronizes. OOOH GIRL.

Lace catches Ben and opens with – you guessed it – “I know I’ve been a little crazy…” to which Ben replies, “Yeah.”

Is anyone else wondering why all of Lace’s shirts have such high necklines? 

In an effort to convince Ben she’s not crazy, Lace dives immediately into her sad past, telling Ben how she was an ugly duckling as a child and how her siblings pretended they didn’t know her. I mean, I feel for you, girl, but this is not the right time or place to spill this info. Word vomit, for real.

Elsewhere, Ben gives Lauren B. a photo of them on their first night together (which was the night before). He wants to let her know he’s been thinking about her, and I think that is nice. Ben gives Lauren H. a ribbon for winning the science fair on their date and she laughs the biggest laugh ever. Ben brings craft supplies to Amanda so they can make hair barrettes for Kynzleigh and Jar-Lee, and even though we know it’s cheesy, everyone in America starts crying immediately.

The Rose Ceremony

And now, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. LB’s wearing pants, which is risky, but I like her for it.

The first rose goes to Amanda, and Lace thinks Ben’s sending her home and she doesn’t blame him for it one bit.

The second rose goes to Jubilee, and Lace is mad at herself.

Rose #3: Lauren B.

Rose #4: Leah

Rose #5: Becca

Rose #6: Rachel (whom we haven’t seen all episode)

Rose #7: Lace (WHAT?)

Rose #8: Yeah! My favorite LB and – WAIT WHAT? She wants to talk to Ben outside for a second? She interrupts the Rose Ceremony and her cute, pantsed self escorts Ben outside.

DON’T QUIT, LB.

I PUT ALL OF MY BACHELOR FANTASY DRAFT EGGS IN YOUR BASKET, LB.

IF YOU DROP OUT, I AM GOING TO LOSE THIS SEASON.

LB, I COUNTED ON YOU COMPLETELY.

She quits. Apparently, those were her traveling pants. 

Ben comes back inside to break the news to the ladies and Lace acts like she cares but we know she doesn’t care at all.

The rest of the roses are handed out: Jennifer, Emily, Jami, Lauren H., Shushanna, Haley and Amber.

Mandi goes home, and that means that all I have left on my 7-person bachelorette team are the twins and Becca. I have essentially flushed my $20 entry fee down the toilet and I blame you, LB.

Ben takes Samantha outside and reassures her that the reason he didn’t pick her isn’t because of the fact that she smells sour. I’m comforted by the fact that at least Samantha is having a worse day than I am.

Next Week on The Bachelor

Kissing, fast cars, kissing, helicopter, hot tub, piggy back ride, Olivia is a liar, Lace is hiding in a darkened corner while other people kiss, Jubilee does not know what’s going on.

LB

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