The Bachelor: Mexico City

All right, party people. After a brief hiatus, we’re back in Bachelor action! I’d like everyone to know that I’m watching this episode at home with Bryan, who pretends that he doesn’t like this show, so I’ll be sure to note all of his insights, as well. Let’s jump in, shall we?

“Tonight, on The Bach –” WAIT WHAT? Interrupted by the Iowa caucuses?! How are we ever supposed to know if Olivia goes home if we keep talking about the Iowa caucuses?

Ok phew, here we go.

We meet Ben in Mexico City, where he feels “really lucky.” If I were him, I would be feeling “really scared” because of Mexican drug cartels and a corrupt police force and whatnot, but he doesn’t seem to care about that. He’s feeling “more and more confident” that his wife is in this group, which is now the fifth time he’s said so.

Also in Mexico, one of the twins (which one is still in again?) is feeling better now that her sister’s not here to hold her back. Olivia loves the bidet in the Four Seasons hotel and continues her weekly ramblings of how she and Ben have a secret love language. And Jubilee is having a hard time sharing Ben with the girls, which seems like very heavy foreshadowing for this episode.

The first date card arrives at the Four Seasons, and it’s for Amanda. I’m personally excited, because I think she’s a real contender. Olivia was surprised because Amanda “does have children” as if we didn’t all know that already.

Date 1: Amanda

Ben gets this date started early by arriving at the ladies’ hotel room at 4:30 a.m. What time is that in Mexico, like noon? No one knows.

Like any normal first date, Ben sneaks into the darkened bedrooms to watch the ladies sleeping. He wakes them up and they freak out. They say it’s because they’re not wearing makeup and they have morning breath, but I think they’re freaking out because BEN SNUCK INTO THEIR DARKENED BEDROOMS TO WATCH THEM SLEEP. Lauren H. is wearing a retainer and pimple cream which is so hilarious. The twin is sleeping with a teddy bear.

Ben finds Amanda and wakes her up and she is clearly wearing makeup. They’re trying to make this into “Oh, Amanda wakes up looking so perfect,” and “Amanda! Such a natural beauty,” but you can’t fool us, ABC. We know a girl who is “sleeping” in full makeup when we see one. No creases in her eyeshadow? No false eyelash stuck to her cheek? You can’t pull one over on us, ABC.

Bryan even notices that that’s not what girls look like when they first wake up, and I am instantly offended.

Ben gives Amanda 15 minutes to get ready, but all she needs to do is smear on a dab of lipstick because she’s already wearing full makeup and her hair magically spiral curled itself while she was snoozing.

Ben and Amanda drive to their date and arrive at a hot air balloon. So Bachelor. They fly over ancient pyramids and kiss in the balloon and it is just so romantic. Then, they land back on the ground and lay in a field and talk about Amanda being a mother. Amanda says there’s a lot Ben needs to learn about her, but instead of discussing it then, he just drools and says, “Uh huh yeah,” and they sip champagne and walk into the field.

Back at the house, the second date card arrives. It’s a group date for Jubilee, Becca, Jojo, Caila, Emily, Lauren B., Jennifer, Leah and Olivia. Looks like Lauren H. is the lucky one who will get the remaining one-on-one date this week. Olivia’s mad that she’s on a group date because she “has a need” for Ben which is gross and confusing, since she somehow managed to live without him up until she met him like five days ago.

Back on Ben and Amanda’s date, things seem like they’re about to get real deep. Amanda tells Ben about her former marriage and her disappointing husband with the wandering eyes. Ben is totally absorbing this story into his soul, and I can tell he genuinely feels for her. He admires Amanda for all she’s been through, and he knows she deserves better. Wait – Ben is saying A LOT of doting things to Amanda. Is he able to say these things?! Is he breaking some kind of rules by being this open? He gives her a rose, obvs, and I think they should get married and be a family right now because I love them together.

Date 2: Group Date

After a brief commercial break, we arrive at the group date and – oh! EMILY is the remaining twin! Got it. So, Emily is there, Olivia’s still complaining about being on the group date, and Jubilee is being a Negative Nellie and I wish she would chipper up and just love herself. Is anyone here in a good mood?

The group walks into a classroom where they sit at school desks and are informed they’re going to learn Spanish. Seriously, the group dates on this show are so effing lame. Hello? You already did a school-themed date!

The girls go to the front of the classroom one at a time and say sexy Spanish things to Ben, and Jubes is getting more and more mad. Seriously, Jubilee? I like you, but if you can’t hold yourself together when girls are incorrectly repeating phrases fed to them by a strange bald man, you really need to check your ‘tude.  True to form, when it’s Jubilee’s turn to speak sweet Spanish nothings to Ben, she gets snippy and awkward and totally ruins everyone’s fun.

Oh great, and now it’s Olivia’s turn. As usual, she’s mumbling lots of crazy things about her cosmic connection with Ben and I can’t handle her so I’m tuning it out.

Phew, glad that’s over! They leave the classroom and wander around the city, eventually ending up at a market/restaurant where they learn that they’re going to have a Mexican food cook off – using recipes written in Spanish. Oh Dios mio! They have to split up into pairs and Jubilee and Olivia fight over Ben. Ultimately, Olivia wins because she asked him first and Jubes is sad, but just stop sulking already, please.

The pairs shop around the market for their recipe ingredients, and Olivia plays it smart by turning the date into a mini one-on-one, taking Mezcal shots, eating crickets – basically all of my favorite things to do on dates.

I ask Bryan if he’d ever eat a cricket and he pretends he doesn’t hear me.

Now everyone has their groceries and they’re all cooking and complaining. There is so much drama happening here and I have had it up to HERE with all their whining.

Let me frame this up for you, girls. You are in MEXICO CITY for FREE. You are on NATIONAL TELEVISION. You have been HANDPICKED by television producers because of your HOT BODS and PERFECT HAIR and LONG, LONG EYELASHES. Have you never seen The Bachelor before? Did you not know what you were signing up for? All y’all better get your attitudes on right before I come over there and straighten them for you.

Ugh, this is exhausting.

Anyway, the chefs come back and taste everyone’s dishes. Lauren B. and Jubilee win the contest, which reminds me of when I recently won a contest.

Once the cooking has been cleaned up, the group meets again in cocktail attire on a patio. Jubilee wants to talk to Ben right away, but of course Olivia sweeps in and pulls him away first. Then, Ben and Lauren B. sneak away for a walk around the city, where they kiss and compliment each other on the great date they had a few days ago. Personally, I think they should get married and be a family right now because I love them together.

“Ugh, wouldn’t it be gross to kiss so many girls in one night?” I wonder aloud to Bryan.

“No. Um, what? I mean, yeah. Yeahhh, totally weird,” he responds. OH OK. 

Ben comes back from his walk with Lauren B. and asks to talk to Jubilee, who is awkward as usual and refuses to hold his hand. It’s seriously so painful to watch. They start talking and it’s clear that Jubes is on thin ice. She asks Ben not to give up on her, but it’s obvious her weirdness has caused their sparks to fizzle.

Ben asks Jubilee if she thinks there’s something between them. She deflects the question by asking him what he thinks, and he flat out says he does not think there’s anything there, which is painful but needed to be said. He suggests they say goodbye, and he walks her out.

That’s too bad, but it’s probably for the best. Go home, Jube, and work on your self confidence! We’re all rooting for you!

“Ugh, good. I hated that girl,” says Bryan. Well, almost all of us are rooting for you.

Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies are on the couch wondering what’s going on. Ben comes back, and he tells them that Jubilee went home. Ben gives Olivia a rose, saying she’s “someone who’s struggled for awhile.” All the ladies are pissed, as is the rest of America. Somewhere backstage, Chris Harrison cackles.

Date 3: Lauren H.

Lauren H. meets Ben for her date, and they walk to a fashion house. They try on brightly colored clothes with strange monarch butterfly patterns that they at first start to make fun of, but when the designer pops in and invites them into his studio, they shape up and tell him his work is beautiful. That sucking up works, because he invites them to attend Mexican Fashion Week as his guests.

At the fashion show, Ben and Lauren H. learn they’re not just going to watch the show – they’re going to walk in it! They practice walking the runway, and before we viewers can even get up to refill our wine glasses, it’s showtime.

Lauren H. is so friendly and chatty with the models backstage, and I love her confidence, even if it does come out in the most nasaly Northern accent I’ve ever heard. She and Ben do a great job walking on the runway, and they are genuinely cute. I don’t think they’re meant for each other, but I do like how much fun they had on that date.

Behind the scenes, Ben’s voice over tells us he’s really putting Lauren H. to the test. “I ain’t got time to waste with no wrong chicks,” he says. He meets Lauren for another meal that he won’t eat, and she tells him about her first real love who broke up with her. After that heartbreak, she took time to find herself, and Ben seems to love that. Lauren H. is really confident and poised, and I like her now more than I ever have.

“This is so great!” I exclaim to Bryan with tears in my eyes. “Ben has had so many great conversations this week, and I just love it. I can just tell real love is starting to blossom!”

Bryan stares back at me with dead eyes before turning away, which is weird because I thought he loved heart-to-hearts?

Ben gives Lauren H. a rose.

The Night of the Rose Ceremony

The ladies lounge around waiting for Ben, and no one can understand why Ben can’t see what they see in Olivia. Ben shows up and says he needs to know if these girls are being real and we’re all like “Uhhh doy.”

He spends time with Jojo and then with Lauren B., who can see herself spending a life with Ben. “I can see you spending a life with Ben, too,” I whisper to her.

Amanda talks about her kids and Olivia says it sounds like an episode of Teen Mom, which is extremely offensive. Amanda is shocked at the comment but stands up for herself, which I really love. Emily, who was a witness to the conversation, says this is the last straw. Olivia starts choking up, eyes filling with fake, fake tears, and makes empty promises to Amanda that she’s going to work on herself and do better. She is such a faker and I can’t deal with it anymore.

Neither can Emily, who is walking over to Ben right this second to tell him just how fake Olivia is. I am loving this. I was wondering what role Emily would play in this house, and while I don’t think she’s in this game for the long haul, I do like that she’s proving to play an important role in the drama.

Emily lays it out there and Ben’s buying it. You can see his love for Olivia shattering with each word Emily says. But wouldn’t you know it, along comes Olivia to interrupt and try to clear her name. She gives Ben a ring, which seems to have come out of nowhere. He takes it but you can tell he’s starting to see through her.

Elsewhere, Emily is in a secluded area calling her twin Haley and crying her eyes out. I’m really enjoying this new side of Emily that’s blossoming, but Bryan is annoyed with all of the tears.

Ben asks Olivia if everyone’s getting along in the house, and she says yes. Liar! So, Ben goes on a mission to figure out what’s really going on. Amanda tells him she has been targeted by Olivia. Jennifer says Olivia doesn’t click and is fake. Ben’s mind is circling, and just as all of this truth is sinking in, here comes Chris Harrison! Right in the middle of all of this drama. Chris tries his usual, “Ben? Ladies?” bit, but Ben interrupts and asks Olivia if he can talk to her privately.

The caucusing in Iowa pauses for a brief moment as all of America gathers to shout in one unified voice: “Send her home, Ben!”

He pulls her aside and I just know he is going to take that rose back and send her butt home. And – wait! It’s over? THE EPISODE IS OVER?!

Grrrrr. Darn it all, ABC. You’ve done it again.

Guess we’ll have to wait until next week, ladies and gents.

Next Week on the Bachelor

Literally everyone is freaking out and crying. Leah is “a fool,” Emily is “mad and confused,” Amanda “doesn’t feel good about any of this,” Lauren B. is “shocked,” Jojo is crying, Ben is wondering if this is all for nothing, Bryan is wondering if we have any leftovers.

ben

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