The Bachelorette: Oh My God Bless America

Well, I am panicking. I have grossly underestimated so many guys, including Ali (who is so handsome), Grant (a hunky firefighter) and surprisingly Christian (who rides a motorcycle). Actually, Luke doesn’t seem nearly as creepy as I thought either. You know who is creepy? Ultimate Bachelor Fan James S., who I ranked so high on my list. Uh oh. 

Here are some highlights from The Bachelorlette: Week 1.

The Contestants

We meet Grant, the firefighter with a heart of gold, and Jordan, a hunk with NFL-grade charisma. Mm mm mmm. Then we’re introduced to Alex, a Marine who has a very cute face but who might be a little short for JoJo’s liking, followed by crazy James S. who makes a horrible first impression by revealing his true obsession with this show.

Then there’s Evan, the Erectile Dysfunction Specialist. We meet Evan in Nashville, where he stares longingly out of the window in his apartment at the Terrazzo, which I know because you can 100% see my office in the background. This makes me famous by association, once again.

Ali plays classical piano and is just so handsome to me. Christian seems like a true sweetheart. He tells us he “grew up” biracial, but he still seems biracial to me. We meet Luke on his Texas farm, where he walks horses in circles and seems much more normal than I expected. Boo.

The Limo

The men arrive at the mansion to meet JoJo one by one. Jordan is the first bachelor to step out of the limo and JoJo is feelin’ him, girl. Then, JoJo proceeds to tell nearly every guy that he looks “niiiiiice,” which is obviously her anxious reaction. Even though they all truly do look nice. Well, most of them.

Robby, who I am extremely suspicious of, takes the tiniest, bounciest steps out of the limo to JoJo. Boing boing boing “Hi JoJo.” I can tell you here and now that I will never be Team Robby. He is the worst.

Nick B. is dressed as Santa, which is just wonderful because he got drafted onto my team while I was out of town. Woo hoo.

James Taylor busts out of the limo with a guitar and a country song and I really, really like him. At least my prediction about this guy was spot on. True to form, Nashville’s Darling, Radio DJ Wells, arrives with music, too – everyone’s favorite R&B band, All4One! Way to go, Wells.

Night One

All of the men have arrived, and JoJo enters the house to greet them. She tells them she’s so excited, and she’s more ready than ever to fall in love. Immediately, someone says “Love?! Oh, umm… I was just looking for like a one night kind of thing?” and eight men run out the door.

JoJo spends hours mingling with the men. Some of the conversations are good (she and Jordan are HITTING IT OFF) and some… well? Will gets her alone and gives her the Most Awkward Kiss in the History of Television. And he knows it’s weird. Just as he’s saying, “I sure hope it wasn’t a sympathy kiss,” Jordan reappears to steal JoJo away. Awkward. He pulls her aside and gives her a kiss that is so good, I personally will rewind and rewatch it at least six more times.

Evan used to be a pastor, which explains his most annoying habit. Who else has noticed the numerous times he’s used the phrase “Oh my God bless America!”? [Insert my exaggerated eye roll here.]

Hey, Evan. Here are a list of other words you could say if you’re uncomfortable saying “God” in this context: Gosh, Golly, Goodness, Word, Gracious, Lanta, or just plain “Oh My.” Maybe try one of those on for size, ok champ? Otherwise, I will boo you and throw things at your face every time you appear on screen. And then I will drive to your house and boo you to your face. Because I know where you live. And I’m certain you’re not in Texas with JoJo.

Chris Harrison emerges and sets the First Impression rose on the living room’s coffee table. All the guys are freaking out, but let’s save the drama. We know it’s going to Jordan.

Meanwhile, All4One is still singing in the backyard. Exactly how long will they stay around? Wells jokes that they follow him everywhere, but is that actually true? And on second thought, would that even be a bad thing? I personally would love to have an acapella group follow me everywhere to narrate my life. Jillian The Musical. Finally!

Chad is being a skeeze, providing lots of color commentary behind the scenes. (“I’m a manlier, more rugged version of Ben.” Actually, this is probably true.) He is going to be a drama starter for at least the first few episodes, and this makes me endlessly happy because he’s on my fantasy roster.

Daniel is the most horrible, awkward person in the world and I want him to go away now. He is painfully trying to explain a failed joke he made, and he is visibly uncomfortable. Stop talking, Daniel! You’re making it worse! God Bless America. Daniel ends his conversation with JoJo and immediately goes inside to do a Fireball shot and poke Evan in the bellybutton. Literally. Inexplicably.

All of the men are getting drunk, slurring their words and saying stupid things. Now this is good television!

“Anyone can look good in a suit,” Daniel slurs to us. “But let’s see what you look like underneath.” You may think he’s hitting on JoJo with this line, but he’s actually saying it to all of the other men in the house as he strips down to his underwear and dives into the pool. He then proceeds to hulk around the house wearing only his panties for the rest of the night.

The Rose Ceremony

All of the men have lined up in the Rose Ceremony room, which incidentally has gotten a new area rug this season, which I despise. Just as JoJo is about to hand out the first rose, she is interrupted by that weener dog former Bachelor Jake Pavelka. He pulls JoJo aside, and in a very scripted and dramatic interaction, he tells her that he just hopes she makes the right decision which was totally necessary to FLY TO L.A. AND SAY TO HER AT THIS EXACT MOMENT. C’mon, ABC.

Back in the room with the ugly rug, JoJo begins to hand out roses. Here we go!

Jordan has the First Impression Rose. The first rose goes to Luke, and then roses go to Wells, James Taylor, Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby (boo!), Brandon (did he and JoJo even talk tonight?), James F., Ali (yay!), Santa (aka. Nick B.), Will, James S., Vinny (who is drunk AF but who I still think is cute), Evan and Daniel (who is obviously forced on JoJo by the Bachelorette producers.)

Tonight, we say goodbye to kilt-wearing Jonathan, Pete (who I think JoJo should have given a second chance), Coley, Nick S. with the bandana necklace, Sal and Jake. This evening has gone on for so long that, as the men walk out of the mansion, we can see that the sun has already risen on a new day. They were there all night! What a show.

I lost two from my fantasy team tonight, Pete (who I wanted to draft) and Coley (who I didn’t), which is not a great start. I have six contestants remaining: Chase, Chad, Alex, James S., Vinny and Nick B.

On This Season of the Bachelorette

JoJo walks through a desert. This is a dream come true and she’s ready to open her heart again. JoJo cuddles with Jordan, and Luke, and Alex. Jordan is in love with her! Alex is in love with her? F-ing Robby is in love with her?! Chad is a drama starter. Grant is wearing firefighting gear – does that mean he gets a hometown date? JoJo’s biggest fear is getting her heart broken again. Jordan “once again” finds himself in a place where he has to defend himself. Chad says the best thing about Jordan is his brother, Aaron Rodgers. There are rumors about Robby (I knew he was gay!) having a girlfriend at home (oh, oops). Chad punches a door. “Chad flipped out.” Chad tells Jordan he will find his address and pay him a visit – and not in a nice way. (Oops, I said the same thing to Evan.) James Taylor’s face is bleeding? Robby thinks JoJo is in danger but no one cares what Robby thinks, am I right? JoJo is crying in a blue dress. JoJo is crying in a white dress. Her boobs look amazing both times. JoJo is crying in a gray sweater. JoJo has found a lot of love, suddenly. JoJo has found love with more than one person? JoJo will walk away with her fiance.

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