The Bachelorette: Keep That Up, You’re Going to Lose Your Teeth

I think it’s safe to say we can summarize this week’s episode as The Week of Chad. Chad is a trouble starter, and ABC wants us to know it. 

Here are some highlights Chad-lights from this week:

  • Chad does pull-ups with a bag of luggage chained to his waist.
  • Chad swears that guys who are jerks in the beginning  of a relationship become the nice ones in the end. This seems like questionable logic.
  • Chad calls JoJo “naggy” on their first date (a group date).
  • Chad tells JoJo he’s not sure if he loves her yet because he doesn’t know her; all he knows is she’s hot. For some reason, JoJo loves this.
  • Chad eats lots of meat. Cold cuts, chicken fingers, steak. Chad’s not sure about his love for JoJo, but he is certain of his love for meats.
  • Chad probably has anger issues he needs to resolve. He threatened to punch sweet Alex in the teeth.

In other news, there were three dates this week: two group dates and a one-on-one date. On the first group date, the men walked out of the mansion to find an exploding/burning limo in the driveway, which was a true shock. Luckily for them, JoJo was there to save the day with a fire hose and cleavage for days.

Bravo to the show’s seamstress, who tailored JoJo’s firefighter pants so tight around her waist that she looked like a teeny tiny firefighting pin-up girl. I would wear those pants every day if I was her.

After JoJo smothered the limo fire with her bosom and the guys were once again safe, they were all whisked away to some sort of firefighter training course, where they had to wear heavy gear and run around watering things and axing things. In the end, it’s no surprise that Grant won the challenge (rescuing JoJo from the top of a burning tower) since he’s an actual firefighter in real life.

ABC tricked me again by leading me to believe that the footage of Grant and JoJo wearing fire suits meant he was getting a hometown date, but alas, that was a preview of this week’s episode. Touché, ABC.

Wells was by far the highlight of the week for me. Listen, y’all. Wells is so cute and funny, I can’t even stand it. Rumor on these Nashville streets is that he’s a hilarious playboy heartthrob, but ABC makes him out to be so, so boyish.

During the firefighter date, he had to be pulled aside by a medic because he was weak and pale from all of the running. Later, at the house, when Chad was complaining about all of the other contestants being juveniles, the camera cut to show Wells bouncing around the pool like a toddler. But, when he got his one-on-one time with JoJo, Wells cracked her (and me) up with jokes, and she gave him a rose. Ladies love a sense of humor, guys. Just you remember that.

[Pauses to Google “Does Wells Adams live in East Nashville?”]

On the other end of the love/hate spectrum, we need to talk about Daniel. Last week, as you’ll remember, he stripped down to his underthings to show JoJo/the other guys his hot bod and then dove in the pool. This week, he was much less flashy, but has taken an unforeseen turn by becoming Chad’s little buddy. He’s basically the only person Chad didn’t fight with this week, and by the end of the episode, Daniel was wearing the exact same outfit as Chad. (Black gym shorts, black tank top. Though, Daniel’s was a racer back, which I just have so many questions about.)

Their relationship is developing quickly, and even if JoJo doesn’t pick either of them, I’m at least comforted by the fact that they’ve found each other. I hope they live happily ever after, Chad + Daniel against the world.

This week’s one-on-one date went to Derek, who looks exactly like John Krasinski, in case you’ve been trying to figure out who he reminds you of. They went on a super cute “choose your own adventure”-type date, where they were met with two options at various points in the day, and they had to decide together which way to go. I’ll spare you the suspense; They ended up in San Francisco, picnicking at the Golden Gate Bridge.

I was excited to see Derek get the first date, even though he’s not on my fantasy team, because he seems nice. Unfortunately, the only conversation they showed Derek and JoJo having went like this:

Derek: “Since my last relationship, I’ve been really closed off.”

JoJo: “I know what you mean. I was closed off after my last relationship.”

“I want to open up, but it’s hard.”

“Yeah, it’s hard to be open.”

“If you open up, it’s easy to get hurt.”

“Getting hurt is possible if you allow yourself to open up.”

“I was so closed, but I’m trying to open.”

“I feel like I know you so, so well now, Derek.”

??? I guess it was good in real life, because Derek walked away with a rose.

Other things worth mentioning:

  • Everyone who’s not Chad apparently spent the week writing and performing a song about JoJo, accompanied by James Taylor on guitar, that went something like this: “Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo Jo.” It’s catchy, and I loved it.
  • Has anyone noticed how often JoJo opens her arms extremely wide when she’s speaking? It’s usually when she’s greeting someone or when she’s accentuating something she’s saying. Pay attention. You’ll see it.
  • We were so preoccupied with Chad this week that no one seemed to make a big deal about Will and JoJo TP-ing the mansion, or about Christian getting JoJo in a bubble bath. Those seem like things we’d want to know about, but as usual, Chad ruined everything and so we have no further context about those events.
  • In creepster news, I have confirmed that Evan lives in the Gulch neighborhood of Nashville, just as suspected. One of the ladies in my fantasy league saw him in a restaurant at the bottom of his building, eating lunch with a german shepherd. Bad news: He still has the moustache.

This week, roses went to Wells, Derek, James Taylor, Alex, Christian, Robby, Luke, Chase, Jordan, Grant, Ali, Daniel, James F., Vinny, Evan, and of course, Chad.

Next Week on the Bachelor, it’s a TWO NIGHT event! Monday AND Tuesday! And the only thing we learned from the previews?

Chad fights with everyone.

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