When, after a week of extensive allergy testing, one’s dermatologist informs her that she’s allergic to rubber (including latex and elastic), a number of thoughts cross one’s mind. People can be allergic to rubber? How have I lived 32 years without knowing this? Will I ever wear underwear again? (So many elastic waistbands.)
The dermatologist will give you a super-helpful list of rubbery things to avoid, including: Some mattresses, safety goggles, rubber-soled shoes, Lycra and Spandex (goodbye girlish figure), and rubber bands. And then you will go home and Google the ingredients in all of your favorite products to see what else you’re allergic to, including your beloved eyelash glue.
And then, you will realize your worst nightmare has come true. You are allergic to the very glue that holds that gorgeous faux fringe on your face! DAMN YOU, RUBBER LATEX! [Shakes fists to the heavens]
In light of this tragic news, please join me in reading aloud the following farewell letter to my dear old friend, Eyelash Glue.
Dear Eyelash Glue,
We first met in college. Remember what a fun time that was? I was shopping at the MAC makeup counter in Marshall Fields, you were also at the MAC makeup counter in Marshall Fields. I knew we’d be good friends right away.
We’ve been through a lot together, Eyelash Glue. Relationships, weddings, six different states. You’ve stuck with me through thick and thin – but it’s probably your commitment when I’ve cried at various romantic comedies/sentimental commercials/unlikely animal friends videos that I appreciated the most. You never wavered, you never slipped. I even introduced other friends to you, and you were so good to them. But they could never love you like I did.
But now, Eyelash Glue, our friendship must come to an end. Quite frankly, you’ve become a little irritating. (That’s a rubber allergy pun, and I’m allowed to make those now.) I’m going to try things out with a relative of yours, Latex-Free Eyelash Glue, in the coming weeks. I can only hope she’ll be as good to me as you’ve been. Well, better, actually, because of the allergic reactions and all.
So goodbye, Eyelash Glue, and thanks. I release you to go forth and find someone new – don’t wait around for me. To quote our favorite movie, The Sound of Music, “When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.” Your window is open, Eyelash Glue. Fly free!